Based on reporting by AD
For Henriëtte, a 64-year-old financial controller in the Netherlands, her gender transition is a journey of becoming her true self. But like any major life change, it doesn't happen in a vacuum. It sends ripples through her relationships, challenging the perspectives of those closest to her. A recent article documented the experiences of two men in her life: her colleague, Jeremy, and her best friend of 35 years, Roderik. Their stories offer a frank look at the hurdles that lie beyond initial declarations of support, revealing the nuances of allyship, resistance, and the slow process of adaptation.
At Work: Acceptance with Conditions
Jeremy van der Staaij, a 35-year-old sales manager, works closely with Henriëtte in what is described as a 'fairly conservative' industrial company. He presents a common form of conditional acceptance that many in the trans community will find familiar.
"I see Henriëtte as a woman and address her as a woman out of respect," Jeremy states, before outlining his limits. "What I have difficulty with is everything beyond that. People who want to be addressed with 'they' or, for example, go to the vet because they identify as a cat or a penguin. It's literally and figuratively pushed down your throat."
His comments reflect a rigid worldview, one that accepts a binary transition but rejects the broader spectrum of gender identity. "Feel like a woman or a cat, but don't force anything on me," he says, using a common transphobic trope to dismiss non-binary identities. He blames the media for what he sees as an overemphasis on being different, arguing it creates division.
The dynamic at their workplace has shifted. Jeremy notes that certain jokes, once common among the men, are no longer made. "You don't want to damage someone or have them take offense," he explains. While this change is framed as a loss of casualness, it also points to the development of a more inclusive and professional environment. Despite his rigid boundaries, Jeremy does acknowledge one thing: "The steps she has to take to be the person she wants to be are infinitely harder than I ever thought possible."
A 35-Year Friendship: Navigating Change and Grief
Roderik Schaar's struggle is more intimate and emotional. As Henriëtte's best friend for 35 years, he was her wedding witness and a constant presence in her life. When she came out to him five years ago, he was, in his words, "totally overwhelmed" and remains confused.
"It's difficult and confusing," he admits. "What makes it hard for me is that I see a lot of the man I've been through so much with for 35 years. If I'm being honest, I don't find that very pleasant."
Roderik is grappling with what feels like the loss of the person he knew. He struggles with her new name and her more expressive, feminine presentation. He feels the foundation of their friendship has shifted. Their old dynamic of "unfiltered complaining about everything and everyone" has been replaced by a new caution. "I've become more careful in what I say and don't say because I don't want to hurt her," he says.
He also points to a perceived change in interests. "She likes to go shopping, to name a silly example. From my perspective, a lot has definitely changed. There are fewer points of connection than there once were."
A significant point of friction for Roderik is his feeling that Henriëtte is entirely consumed by her transition, which he calls 'Operation Henriëtte'. "It's completely logical and understandable, but it seems to leave less room for anyone or anything else." It's a sentiment that highlights a common disconnect: for the person transitioning, it is their life; for an outside friend, it can feel like a single-minded project.
Despite the challenges, Roderik is not giving up. He believes their friendship is worth fighting for and hopes that the effort they are both putting in will ultimately lead to something even stronger. "The foundation is broad enough," he says. "We have enough to fall back on."
The original interviews with Jeremy and Roderik are featured in the podcast series 'Operatie Henriëtte'.
